"Please, from the bottom of my heart, stop sending baby gifts to my home."
-- Madonna, a Public Announcement

"Hey, it's the '90's. Being excited about your job is a sign of emotional instability."
-- the Cutler Daily Scoop. Background story: Security guard Richard Jewell (at the site of the Atlanta Olympics bombing) was once fired for being "too enthusiastic" about his work.

"5 billion people on the planet ... 3 million swim ... 200,000 do the breaststroke .. three win medals. Dad and Mom: I'm going for it."
-- Fred Deburghgraeve, Belgium swimmer, in an ad placed in both of Belgiums's major papers.

"I would hope as this issue develops that we can point to examples like 'Cosby' rather than noble failures that are educational but unwatchable by children."
-- Peter Tortorici, former CBS president on the recent educational TV discussion.

"[after the Olympics,] I'll either review the entire canon of Western literature or eat myself sick on peanut brittle. I haven't decided which."
-- Bob Costas, NBC's anchor for the Olympic Games

"I think that I'm probably the first black guy who ever saved the world."
-- Will Smith, about his role in "Independence Day"

"We are in an age of deregulation. The 90's is the decade for consumers."
-- Gary Miller, President, Aragon Communications, celebrating Westinghouse's purchase of Infinity Broadcasting

"The custom of 'taking a cake' [to welcome new neighbors] may have begun to die around the time that love beads came in and 'kaffee klatches' went out."
-- Abigail VanBuren

"It's a good picture of my bow."
-- archer Alison Williamson of Great Britain, when asked about published photos of her practicing topless.

"Atlanta: the city too stupid to be ashamed of itself"
-- unattributed WSJ reporter

"ACOG couldn't organize a little quiet time in a graveyard"
--.... Todd, Southam News

"I can't speak Spanish. I can't understand what they're saying."
-- Dawn Stanley of the USA Women's Basketball team at the Olympics on why there wasn't much trash talk in the Cuba-USA game.

"Quarterbacks are always ready."
-- Jack Kemp on the call from Dole to run as VP.

"The Log Cabin is fighting for the soul of the Republican Party."
-- David Greer, public affairs director for the Log Cabin Republicans, a gay political group with about 10,000 members.

"Even when I'm not running, people will say, 'Run, Forrest, run!'"
-- Michael Humphreys, age 11, who played the younger Forrest Gump in the movie three years ago.

He is the ugliest woman I have ever seen in my life.
-- Shaquille O'Neal about Dennis Rodman

"We will have made Clinton spill a lot of blood in California."
-- Ken Khachigian, Dole's senior campaign manager in California

"I think Jack Kemp just got into the passenger seat of the last scene of Thelma and Louise."
-- Bob Mulholland, Democratic stategist.

"Mine. Not only do I have to know the entire alphabet, I have to be able to make up words and sentences."
-- Alex Trebek, host on Jeopardy, about whether his job or Vanna's was the tougher.

"The other day I dreamed that I was at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter said, 'Go back to Earth, there are no slums up here.'"
-- Mother Teresa

"I know Bill Clinton. I know Al Gore. They are really good guys."
-- Jack Kemp, Republican VP candidate

"Sen. Dole's comments [about "Striptease"] more aptly apply to the state of the government today rather than the entertainment industry. We cannot rule out the possibility that Sen. Dole never actually saw 'Striptease' ... or perhaps he simply didn't understand."
-- Bruce Willis responding to Dole's critique of 'Striptease' as 'a sad waste of talent and human energy.'

"How you've managed to keep your serenity when underneath you must have been spitting feathers absolutely defeats us all."
-- The Sunday Mirror's tribute to the Queen Mother

"I think sometimes it's difficult to garner respect as an athlete when you've got sand in your toes and you're not wearing socks, or shoes, or sometimes even a shirt."
-- Karch Kiraly, about why his sport, Beach Volleyball, gets no respect.

"The Door honors Howard Stern, the shock jock DJ who appears in drag on the cover of his latest book, for thanking God and "the Lord Jesus Christ" for his success. He'll be appearing on his next book jacket as a pillar of salt."
-- The Door's "Top Ten Losers of 1995", the Door is a religious satire magazine. Article is at this site.

"Tradition is what gives a society meaning and the rules by which it lives are what make it work."
-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners Rescues Civilization"

"I'm striving to be 'the guy who plays bass in Dogstar'."
-- Keanu Reeves

"Next week I return to Chicago as an elected Democratic delegate. I will sleep at the Conrad Hilton. My grown-up kids will be there. ... On some level I feel ratified. My bitterness was lifted long ago."
-- Tom Hayden, in a L.A. Times editorial

"You don't think of these as being particularly in-your-face nations, but there was definitely some finger-pointing and trash-talking going on out there. I don't know exactly what they were saying, but the gist of it seemed to be "Take THAT, Chocolate Boy!" and "Our nation is more neutral than yours is, Volvo-Breath!"
-- Dave Barry, about a team handball match between Sweden and Switzerland in the Olympics

"A culture that describes everything
-- even sex -- in terms of food tends to give the impression that, left to its own devices, it'd prefer to be eating
-- which, of course, many of us would."
-- Mark Steyn, in The American Spectator

"I loved the security system. I went back three times."
-- Pat White, West Virginia delegate whose WonderBra set off security alarms at the Democratic Convention

"It's such a relief to find that I'm not the only person who wants to twist Martha Stewart's face into a macrame plant holder and feed it to a goat. Greg Easley's article [in the August _Spy_] was an answer to my prayers! I knew it was only a matter of time before you stuck it to that plate-painting, sticky-bun-making, potpourri-packaging, holly-hanging, chick-crushing doily diva. You guys really outdid yourselves ... and that's a good thing."
-- Ray Garton in the Sept. _Spy_ letters column

"The truth is, when he speaks, this man is hypnotic. People do think Bill Clinton feels their pain. He's a big man, not scary, more like the Pillsbury Doughboy."
-- Frank Luntz, Republican pollster

"Being from Los Angles, I never trust air that I can't see."
-- Bob Hope, who's really from England

"Definition is everywhere. It is not enough to have muscles; one must be seen to have muscles. The skin must be shaped around the muscles as though molded by a potter's hands. The clothing must be designed to show those muscles that are maximally defined."
-- Jon Carroll, Friday's column in the San Francisco Chronicle

"Interest in the Carpenters has never waned; it has only varied in degree from one time to another. Since the release of 'If I Were a Carpenter' two years ago, we've experienced a wave of renewed interest from fans ... This record is for them."
-- Diana Baron, senior vp at A&M Records, about releasing Karen Carpenter's solo album, which was recorded in 1979

About Matt Williams (SF Giants third baseman) watching over his children: "Oh, yeah. [I'd trust you] 'cause you got money. ... I only trust other people with millions. 'Cause I know at least I'm going to get some money if something happens."
-- Barry Bonds, SF Giants outfielder

"When that school bell sounds Tuesday morning, it can mean only one thing: Somebody set off the metal detector."
-- Alan Ray, quoted in the LA Times

"September is the most romantic month in California. Any time we want to sit by a nice roaring fire, we just turn on the TV news and there one is."
-- Argus Hamilton

"I've known too many people who went to kindergarten and never amounted to anything."
-- "Peanuts" from Rerun hiding under the bed on first day of school.

"Jane Austen doesn't blow up people!!"
-- Citizen Dog, comic strip

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
-- Ivana Trump, after writing her first novel

How do they fit all that hot air in blow dryers? Why don't they ever run out? -- T.C.P., Lufkin, TX Why hasn't anyone ever thought of milking their pet dogs or cats? -- E.H., Great Falls, VA
from questions received by Marilyn Vos Savant in the 'Ask Marilyn' column

"I got terribly involved with the satisfying feeling it gave me to prove that you didn't have to beat consumers over the head to get them to try a product. You could just entertain them into trying it."
-- Stan Freberg, whose Volume II of "Stan Freberg Presents The United States of America" is being released 35 years after Volume I.

"Q. Nebraska could become the first team in modern times to win three college championships in a row. What exactly are modern times? A. Five-to-10 reduced to six months for good behavior."
-- Bernie Lincicome, Chicago Tribune

'Mind-blowing coincidence: Mickey Dolenz (the first TV voice of Arthur) has a daughter who appeared in the horror movie known as "TICKS".'
-- from The Tick Catalog which also includes this dialogue
Tick: Evil is afoot!
Arthur: Really, that's very philosophical, Tick. I've always envisioned Evil as a dark brooding shape with squinty eyes ....

"20. How did the first Doom Patrol meet their demise?
A) While battling an alien armada, they detonated an antimatter pulse
bomb, not only destroying the armada but killing themselves.
B) They willingly let themselves be killed by the Brotherhood of
Evil to save a small town in Maine.
C) The radiation that gave Negative Man his powers slowly killed him
and the other Patrollers due to its carcinogenic effect.
D) The book's creators focused more on movie, cartoon and toy deals
than the fans of the book and the books itself, slowly sending its sales
into a downward spiral, after which it was eventually canned. Oh, wait--
that's what's going on in today's comics."

-- From Wizard magazine's Comic Book Intelligence Quotient
[I think the correct answer is B].

"At this rate, [the Supreme Court] will be out of business by the year 2049."
-- Law Professor Daniel Polsby yakking with _USA Today_ about the Court finishing its term with the fewest number of decisions in forty-two years.

"The gun nuts are on my case. I am pro-choice, so the pro-lifers are on my case. And that's about it. Those two groups don't like me very much. And it doesn't matter to me. I have my position and that's it, I'm not going to back down."
-- Eppie Lederer, "Ann Landers"

"Many seem bound and blinded by an ideology that dictates that government do less and stop giving _the poor_ the proverbial free lunch. That free lunches are not necessarily all that bad, and certainly better than no lunch at all, seems to escape them."
-- Emeritus Economics Professor Robert Eisner, to the NY TIMES

"Hosting the pageant will bring in organized gangs ... trafficking in women, narcotics and prostitution."
-- K. N. Shashikala, one of sixteen women who say they'll immolate themselves if the Miss World Pageant is held in Bangalore, India this year.

"Some Teens Have Air of Defiance"
-- Washington Post
"Judge Not Convinced Murder Victim Is Alive"
-- Baltimore Sun
"Author Steven Bach is actually writing a biography of Moss Hart... not of Mozart."
-- correction in Entertainment Weekly

"Dennis Rodman may think he has great legs, but they really don't compare to Jamie Lee Curtis'."
-- Linda Hefner, President of L'eggs, on Rodman's offer to stand in for Jamie Lee as spokesperson.

``I'd like to have an event like that sometime, but nobody's asked me to come out,''
--Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole, in Hollywood today, complaining that Clinton scored $4 million at a recent entertainment industry fundraiser.

"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-- Kim Alexis (the only supermodel to address the GOP convention) in "Bikini" magazine.

"I'm not in the movie, and I refuse to see it! I'm the real Carol Brady, and I always will be!"
-- Florence Henderson, when congratulated by a fan for her 'appearance' in "A Very Brady Sequel"

"This doesn't really change the supply-demand issue in the world."
-- John Hervey, oil analyst, putting the strikes on Iraq in perspective.

"So these [presidential candidates] have learned to be extremely flexible about what kind of Leadership they provide. Gumby is rigid, compared to these men."
-- Dave Barry

"I don't see Babe and Mad Max as very different ... It's essentially the hero story told again."
-- George Miller, producer of both "Babe" and the Road Warrior movies.

"The Jets' offense is reminiscent of the Running of the Bulls, only less organized. The Giants' offense is reminiscent of a landfill, only less mobile."
-- Norman Chad, prior to Sunday's game between the New York Jets and New York Giants, both winless teams at that point. The Giants won.

Ratio of tax dollars spent each day on a U.S. public-school student to the amount spent on a prisoner: 2:7
-- Harper's Index, September 1996

"He's a freak!"
-- Comedy Central's Daily Show about Michael Jackson.

"Why should it be the last concert? We love very much to do these concerts."
-- Luciano Pavarotti of the Three Tenors about reports that they were doing their last concert.

"If you play one regular-season game in the National Football League, you will never, ever, be normal physically."
-- John Madden, former coach & current commentator

"I guess it wasn't such a tough life after all ... and I'm sorry that maybe I didn't act like a lady about the whole thing.
-- Lena Horne, at a screening of PBS' special about her -- "Lena Horne: In Her Own Voice"

"That would be an impeachable offense. It is the president ordering a felony to obtain information."
-- Terry Lenzner, about a released tape showing that Nixon ordered a breaking at the Brookings Institution.

"You just get a really screwed-up, self-involved egomaniac. Including myself."
-- Roseanne on marrying anyone in show business.

Say, "We'd like for you not to have sex until you're married. But if you do, we certainly don't want you to get any disease, or to have a baby before you're ready. Never have sex without using a latex condom. Condoms save lives."
-- Joycelyn Elders on what to tell kids about sex.

"If you don't think the government can work efficiently, try mailing a letter without a stamp. You'll get it back, usually the next day."
-- Robert Fisher, at the Oakland, CA mail processing center

"See, I've been smoking so much pot lately I can't remember."
-- Evan Dando of the Lemonheads, when asked how long he'd been off heroin

"In acting class, they tell you to think of something sad to help you cry. But after awhile, thinking of Grandma under a tractor didn't work anymore. That's when I knew it was time to leave."
-- Daphne Zuniga, on why she left "Melrose Place"

"To feel sorry for myself is selfish, if for no other reason than I've got three children who are very glad that I'm alive."
-- Christopher Reeve

"At his best, Holyfield couldn't beat Tyson."
-- Bud Geracie of the San Jose Merc-News on the day of the Tyson-Holyfield fight -- which Holyfield won.

"We had a lady who called to say that her dog had gotten away with a turkey. She got it back and served the turkey with parsley stuffed in the toothmarks. She proudly called us after the fact. We wouldn't have advised her to do that."
-- Jean Schnelle, of the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line

"Humor is as viable as any religion. But a lot of music today is so serious. As entertainers, we're not descendants of theologians; we're descendants of court jesters."
-- Jimmy Buffett, who turned 50 on 12/25/96

"We made a verbal agreement that nothing is going to cross the friendship boundary." -- David Schwimmer, "Friends"
"Sure, we're tempted. The three girls on our show are very good-looking. But we have a deal."
-- Matthew Perry

"The voters have spoken. We must now act responsibly to carry out this law, as the voters intended."
-- Attorney General Dan Lungren on Proposition 215, California's medical marijuana law

"When we were first going out ... I told her I didn't think (women) were equal; I thought they were different. Finally we settled on their being 'roughly equivalent.'"
-- Ted Turner meets Jane Fonda

"Belching is something I learned as a kid. Everyone in my family is good at it."
-- Kathy Ireland, model/actress

"If I had known I wasn't going to win, I wouldn't have run."
-- Richard Petty, stock car driver, who was defeated running for state office in South Carolina

"In every single episode you see a life saved. I think that's so important."
-- Traci Bingham, new member of the "Baywatch" cast

"Elmer! I never heard of a brother being named Elmer. The only Elmer I ever heard of was Elmer Fudd."
-- Charles Barkley, about Elmer Bennett joining the Phoenix Suns

"They weren't imaginary at the time. I'm not that crazy."
-- Robert Downey, Jr. about a night when he drove his Porsche naked, throwing imaginary rats out the window.

"A man running from his past will have problems and confusion in his future. You've got to face the past ... and resolve it."
-- Lionel Richie

"Too bad I'm not a guy because all I want to do is play Hamelet. It's such a sexy, androgynous part."
-- Courtney Love

"Why does everyone think I'm this ungrateful person who is trying to leave the show? I love the show. So when I talk about this 'damn show,' it's like when you hear guys talk about their wives. They complain about them but they still love them."
-- David Duchovny, "The X-Files" in TV Guide

"Let me tell you, I didn't want to be a movie star. I'd be fine doing a nice little role in a substantial movie."
-- Whitney Houston

"We've seen all of them. [web pages critical of Promise Keepers] We're not concerned in the slightest. We believe we're where we're at because of God. [...] We're not going to invest time and resources tracking down and answering questions on critical Web sites."
-- Don Clarke, web site editor for Promise Keepers

"As a metaphor for the excision of the phallus from the American male due to the increasing economic and political power of the American female, the disappearance of Beavis and Butt-head's television at the beginngin of "Beavis and Butt-head Do America" does not fully convey the sense of weakness and vulnerability of today's modern man."
-- Mr. Cranky reviews another movie

"She'd become a governess. It was one of the few jobs a known lady could do. And she'd taken to it well. She'd sworn that if she did indeed ever find herself dancing on rooftops with chimney sweeps she'd beat herself to death with her own umbrella."
-- Susan gets a job in Terry Prachett's _Hogfather_, a Discworld novel

"There's nothing left to do but go out and get rich."
-- Bob Dole, on Leno

"All of this is just another way of saying that the less you're like Beavis and Butt-head, the more you might like this movie. On the other hand, B&B would probably enjoy it, too -- if it was on television. I wonder if they would notice that it was about themselves."
-- Roger Ebert, reviewing the Beavis & Butt-head movie

"Every time I say anything the slightest bit not nice, somebody gets all offended and says, 'You're not the queen of nice. You're the queen of nothin'."
-- Rosie O'Donnell, complaining about Newsweek dubbing her the 'Queen of Nice'

"What are the odds of it being Christmas? 1 in 365."
-- The Daily Show (who forgot it was a leap year)

"Now it's OK if you can benchpress your husband."
-- Amy Van Dyken, US Olympic swimming champion

"The Republicans must love families, they have so many of them. I'm offering a reward to any Republican candidate who's left his wife for an older woman."
-- James Carville

"After spending a year in Washington, I long for the realism and sensitivity of Hollywood."
-- Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson, who had an acting career

"His game is as smooth as a baby's bottom and, at times, just as explosive."
-- Clark Kellogg on ESPN about Michegan's Albert White.

"We ought to take the critics out to the shooting venue and get rid of them."
-- Bill Campbell, mayor of Atlanta, 7/23/96

"Forrest Gump was a documentary."
-- Dave Perkins, Toronto Star, after trying to get around at the Olympic Games in Atlanta